for the first time in WEEKS, I'm finally caught up on life. I was so sick of being behind. I thought running from my problems and fears, I guess, would help me relax and breath. turns out, your problems are there the second you pull your head from outside the covers. when I got sick, I thought napping would make me feel better. turns out, I ended up sleeping for 12 hours each day.
the sun came out today. it does exist. that gave me the motivation to put on my sun glasses, put on a smile & walk outside. turns out, it’s not as bad as it seems. nothing ever is, really. one moment, you feel like all you can do is run. run away from whatever it is that’s bothering you. you think crying, screaming and sobbing will make people feel bad and eventually want to help you, even though you still pushed them away. just cope with it. nothings easy. we all go through shit. what makes you so special that we should all stop the world until you’re ready to get on?
somehow, combined with 1,200 word papers, germX, tissues, text books, Mono and sneezing, I managed to go home for the weekend.
that really helped me. seeing my family. sometimes when you're sick (and I mean really sick) that's all you need; your mom. it helped put me in a better mood. when I landed Monday morning, it felt different than it has before. it actually felt like I was landing somewhere familiar. I got on the train, put on my headphones, knew exactly what stop to get off at and went to my room. it was like clockwork. like I didn’t have to think about it. and I love that. sure, Chicago is no Boston, and my room here can’t even compare to my room at home, but the keyword is “my”. it’s always me. mine. and that makes it special.
half way through the semester. kind of scary to think about. but I need to keep pushing. I need to push harder each day. no matter how sick, tired or stressed I am. pretending things aren't there doesn't make it easier.
it only makes it harder.
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